SmartReMarxcom

Damaged Goods.

Aug 06

SquidRelationships 1 Comment

I like to think that I’m a good person. I donate old, barely worn designer shoes to Goodwill. I recycle, even when the countless stale beer cans make my mudroom smell like a swamp in August. I’ve adopted abandoned kittens and volunteered with special needs children. I’ve never passed a Salvation Army Santa without tossing over a dollar, and I’ve never walked by a Girl Scout without taking home a box of Thin Mints. I like to help people, especially when I feel as if I’ve made a difference in peoples’ lives.

Here’s the point that I’ve always missed, though. Men aren’t kittens or autistic kids (well, not all of them). They shouldn’t need a monetary donation or for you to buy them a box of cookies for their good behavior. You shouldn’t need to adopt and coddle a man like you would a greyhound you stumble over leaving the local OTB. There are reasons why some men, like these dogs, have been abandoned- and they probably haven’t ever worked as hard or will ever be able to offer you the same quality cuddling, or licking, for that matter.

Being the good samaritan that I am, however, I’ve never shied away from the innocently sweet and adorably downtrodden “project guy.” You know the guy I’m talking about. That wonderful man who is just a little ‘off’ in a way that you can’t really place. The guy your friends say they like with the same excitement they express about pap smears. The guy who has mysteriously been single for the past five years. They guy who sets off countless red flags, but because you’re such a wonderful person who sees the good in everyone, you come up with an unbelievably absurd explanation for all of these flags and hold the hand of your special needs companion through any obstacle they may encounter.

Until, one day, you wake up and think: What am I doing?

I had this revelation about a month ago. I realized that I was in a pattern of finding the most unsuitable men and making fix-it projects out of them. Instead of painting my kitchen that fabulous shade of red that has been sitting under my sink for the past six months, or building the trunk full of IKEA furniture that waits patiently in my spare room, disastrous men became my weekend projects. Men whose pieces needed to be picked up, and instead of stepping over them like ten or twenty women before me, I was drawn to them, and I made it my goal to gather their pieces and put them together.

After four years with a basement dwelling, Dungeons and Dragons playing pizza delivery guy, a year and a half with someone who was probably not only certifiably insane, but functionally retarded as well, with, of course, the ubiquitous bouncers, frat guys and soldiers thrown in, I’ve realized that these pieces can’t be put back together, and I’ve found some red flags that can’t be ignored.

1. He’s on so many medications that he must carry them around with him in a fanny pack.

The types of medications aren’t important, as this man will constantly be hopped up on something, therefore, he’ll be an emotional rollercoaster. This is tiring and gets old fast. Especially when he actually wears the fanny pack. If you can tolerate the fanny pack, please beware when he graduates to a mini backpack.

2. He plays online role playing games.

War games such as Day of Defeat may be forgiven for an exceptional man, as they’re the manliest of the genre. and the lesser of about 100 evils. Any games in which his character is a wizard, a dragon, an Asian person with a sword, or a Star Wars character, however, is completely unacceptable. No exceptions.

Games that require a microphone and speakers to communicate live with other players across the world at 3am while you’re sleeping aren’t acceptable either. Especially when these players become his “friends” and he starts to describe to them how your breasts feel -- but don’t be too offended, he’s only sharing because he’s the only one who has ever seen a pair.

3. He lives with his parents. This is an issue on a few fronts:

• His mother: self explanatory.
  • To be fair, some guys do have wonderful mothers. This can also be a problem, however, when you feel guilty about abandoning your project because you know his mother will be disappointed.
• No sleepovers. And, if you don’t hide your hatred for his mother and decide to spend the night in bed with her son under her roof, you definitely can’t shower before work in the morning. Being naked in the same 3 foot by 6 foot enclosure that his father was dangling around in ten minutes earlier is just creepy. Also, do you really want to use their soap?
  • This may be avoided if he has a basement apartment, which is an entirely different issue all together. Do not move into said basement apartment. You’ll be raising 10 kids down there by the time you realize what hit you. Then you’ll never get away from his mother- and now she’ll be trying to raise your kids.
• There will probably not be any earth shattering orgasms. And, again, if you hate his mother enough to let yourself be heard, you’ll not only be thought of as the girl who isn’t good enough for her son, but you’re now a whore as well. Those looks aren’t fun to dodge over the Thanksgiving turkey.

4. “This never happens to me.”

No, it happens to him all the time. It isn’t just the Whiskey.

5. The only place he will take you to dinner (including your anniversaries, birthdays, Flag Day, etc.) is Applebee’s/TGI Friday’s/Chili’s/Ruby Tuesday/99 Restaurant/[insert mall/Route 1 restaurant with an 'apostrophe S' here].

He is either cheap or completely unoriginal. Interestingly enough, you can get some delicious Vietnamese noodles and spring rolls for a quarter of the price of your dinner at one of these restaurants. But, sadly, this guy does not stray from a diet of red meat in the form of burgers and NY strip steaks.

Also, please run away if he actually thinks that these restaurants count as a fine dining experience. Real conversation:

Me: “We never go anywhere nice.”

Him: “Babe, are you serious? I take you to the 99 all the time!”

6. He’s broke. I’m not talking about the student loans, paying rent in Boston, highly qualified and underpaid broke. I’m not talking about the musicians or the artists who live 10 to an apartment and make ends meet on one show a month. I’m talking about the guys that are broke for no reason -- they have a decent job, the rent in their “garden level” apartment right outside the city doesn’t break the bank, and their most extravagant grocery purchase is EZ Mac, or maybe a Hungryman dinner, yet they can’t spare a few bucks to take you to the culinary orgasm that is the 99 Restaurant.

They either have a tiny drug problem (and by tiny, I mean huge), or spend a good chunk on phone sex lines.

If the culprit is the phone sex, please make sure that sweetie-pie isn’t using your credit card. Aside from the obvious reasons, phone sex operators will steal your identity. Seriously.

7. He’s a soldier and is only in town for one night. There are two possible outcomes in this scenario:

• You’ll never see him again. This can be a favorable outcome.
• You’ll never see him again… but you now see your gyno bi-annually for a Valtrex prescription. This is not a favorable outcome.

8. Virgin Guy. “Virgin Guy” can be as such for many different reasons. All are equally disturbing.

• He’s actually “Super Christian Guy.” “Super Christian Guy” is perfect if you’re “Super Christian Girl.” But, if you’re like me, “Super Christian Guy” can lead you to to some extreme sexual frustration. You should probably end this relationship before it begins, because when you cheat on Super Christian Guy, which you will, you’ll feel like shit for doing something so immoral to someone so righteous.
• He’s “never had the opportunity.” By the age of twenty or thirty-something, unless you’re a leper, you should have had the opportunity. If this man hadn’t been able to get a girl drunk enough to take advantage of her in the 10 years he’s been able to legally drink, there is something seriously wrong with him. Don’t stick around to be the one to find out what it is.
• Please refer to #4 and remember that you aren’t a miracle worker.

9. He’s still working at his High School job… and he’s 30.

Of course pizza delivery boys and video store clerks can be attractive, they’re only human, and because they probably spend most of their free time in their parents’ basement apartment, they probably don’t get much sun and therefore have beautiful skin. Dedication is also a quality that can be admired, and someone who spends 14 years with the same company is definitely dedicated. This dedication can come in handy when your honey works for GE, Prudential, or Morgan Stanley. Papa Gino’s, however, may not offer as competitive stock options, health care benefits, or 401K plans, and may not be the best career choice for a 30 year old man. Sadly, your delivery guy, who is hopefully driving a car with one of those fabulous light up signs as opposed to a bicycle, will grow tired of your nagging about a career move and “expecting too much of him” and will eventually break up with you. His mother will smirk at you as you emerge from the basement apartment.

10. Too complimentary guy.

This guy wants one of two things from you:

• To sleep with you.
• To sleep with you and then stalk you. Said ‘stalking’ doesn’t have to be of the violent type. Harmless daily calling and emailing is also unacceptable.