Shitty Forecast Ahead

Jan 26

AndrewHumor , , Comments Off

I made the mistake of reading my Year of the Ox forecast, which basically was filled with doom and gloom. I only have 3 positive months out of the coming year (dunno which 3, I guess that’s part of the premium subscription) and money is going to be tight (duh!) but if I’m lucky and adaptable, I might just be able to pull an eh kind of year.

Really? That’s the best the Chinese New Year horoscope could do.

I have a theory about horoscopes. They should always be either one of two things a) positive or b) intriguing. The first is obvious; nobody wants to hear bad news. Let’s face it Failure to take care and caution this year could result in future problems is never a good way to start the year off. And not for nothing, I could have figured that out for myself.

The second, intrigue, is just a subtle way of delivering bad news. Something’s about to give or similarly sinister nonsense. Vague is okay when it’s framed in a certain way, otherwise horoscopes read like bad fortune cookies instead of the godly prescience they are.

While vague is fine, a horoscope that hedges its bet ruins the effect. For instance:

The single Dragon will be happy to know that romance is favored this year, so you may find someone to share your experiences.

Giveth on the one hand and taketh away with the other. May find someone?!? How about Bitch, your singledom is over. You’ll be sharing your bed tonight!

I also think horoscopes should be explicit about a call to action. Look, maybe it’s unrealistic to expect a horoscope to tell me what to do for the entire year (though there are in fact horoscopes you can pay for that do just that and in excruciating detail -- notwithstanding you never run across a horoscope that says “jump off the cliff right now and save yourself a day of annoying coworkers, lost files, and snotty kids” or something to that effect). But still, my daily horoscope always tells it like it is.

People are going to be extra sensitive to whatever you say now, so be extra gentle.

Right? Not going to happen, but at least I was forewarned.

And all of this is especially true if you are reading a free horoscope. Sure, if you’re paying for it, you could argue for the bad news along with the good. But even then, you only get one shot at setting the tone for the day, and it might as well be a positive one. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe your horoscope can provide a little cheer. If you are having a bad hair day, maybe your horoscope can offer a little intrigue. And maybe if it’s smart enough and you know far enough in advance, you’ll know ahead of time to call in sick and sit the day out completely.

Too bad, though, I can’t do that for the entire year. Can’t say I wasn’t warned though.

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