RSSThe Only Way to Be Gay
Sep 02
Society and Culture Coming Out, Gay, Gay Culture Comments Off
There’s an ad running across myspace that shows two men standing next to each other in front of a brick wall, in poses that look like they are peeing. They shake themselves off at the same time, zip up then look at each other with slight grins, move closer and kiss. The purpose of the ad seems to exist below the 90 pixel ad space, but it seems to me that the ad plays on an uncomfortable amount of gay stereotypes if one reads between the lines.
We live in an age that is unprecedented in its depiction of homosexual relationships and it’s probably natural that at least some of those portrayals are going to rely more on stereotypes than anything else. It is great that within the last few years, the taboo of talking about homosexuality has largely come undone. No matter where you fall on the issue, the dialogue itself seems less choked. We are embracing advertising, television and other media that depict homosexual relationships, and even the gay sex scandals seem by and large less scandalous. People may still fear and outright hate homosexuality, but hey, their ears are perked. They are listening. What a world we are coming to.
The next phase of acceptance looks like this: instead of playing to stereotypes and drawing broad cultural boundaries around homosexuality that are largely artificial, it’s time that we stop pigeonholing gays and lesbians and recognize that like anyone else, people who are homosexual are also individuals with their own experiences, idiosyncrasies and predilections. It’s a lesson that everyone needs to learn, gay and straight.
I have never been a big fan of categorically shoving people in slots just because of one thing or another, whether it’s at physical trait or mannerisms or some facet of their identity. Too much of our individual idiosyncrasies are a product of any number of factors: how we were raised, by whom, where we grew up, our tastes, schooling, natural ability and interests. Those things combine to shape our personality and define each of us as we are individually. And I don’t know about you, but for me, my behaviors and quirks have changed a lot over time.
There is a popular notion in the gay community that there is a right way to be gay. The traditional path goes experiment, come out, sleep around, party until you’re 30 and settle down. It’s not unlike the traditional path we slap on heterosexuals. Dating, courtship, engagement, marriage, kids, divorce, second marriage (okay, I joke.)
But it makes the point, is that really the only way to be gay? My own path skipped most of those steps. I haven’t had sexual identity issues in 12 years, and yet I’m still faced with skeptical men who think I’m not gay enough, haven’t really lived because I have never been to Fire Island or P-Town, walked in a pride parade, gotten a piercing, participated in an orgy, and probably the worst offense of all: I don’t give two shits about any of it. Just because I don’t fit your idea of what a gay man should be doesn’t mean I have sexual confusion, that I am uncomfortable with my own sexuality, that I’m a closet case, or that I need to make up for lost time. I’m just a guy who happens to like other men. Being gay doesn’t define me any more than my religion, politics, college degrees or job does. Put it all together and maybe then you have an argument that those components combined do say a great deal about who I am.
It is my fervent wish that as a society, we figure it out that being different doesn’t automatically make you wrong. It is a lesson that goes beyond acceptance of homosexuality. Look, stereotypes are fine and funny, and yeah, some people just fit into those patterns too well. But as the next generation of young adults, and even some grown-ups, struggle with their own sexual identity issues, I hope that we can encourage them to follow their own path and not fall into the trap of believing that there is only one right way to be gay.
