Twitter
Facebook
RSSTurn Yourself Into a Brand Name
Mar 30
Humor, Life in Digital Branding, Fame, satire Comments Off
Dying for fame? Dreaming of riches? Want to be among the social elite? That is so last century. This century it’s all about branding. Your brand name is your fame, it’s your privacy policy, your public profile, your media spin. Most of us have nothing to offer but ourselves. You think you’re special, and damnit, it’s about time you start proving it to the world. Start selling yourself today and make your mark tomorrow. And remember, you only have yourself to brand! Get started with…
Step 1: You ain’t got a name, you ain’t got a life
Name is everything in branding. It becomes the way people recognize you, something that distinguishes you from the rest. You can use your real name, a variation of your real name or make some shit up, but if it’s not memorable, you’re already dead in the water.
The savviest individuals sass up their name with just enough vroom to catch people’s attention. So throw away Miss Sally and call yourself Miss Salle! Your brand name should roll off the tongue and stick in their throats. It should blaze on paper and sound like the coming of the new dawn through the microphone.
Step 2: Become an e-medium
Remember, you’re selling yourself, not some product, not a book you wrote or a t-shirt you designed. You are selling you. And these days, you’re nothing without your network. Spread the word through every conceivable form of electronic medium known to man. Never heard of twitter? You’re six months behind. Not on facebook? That was two years ago. MySpace? Four. Haven’t bought your own website? Ten years ago, the best were already putting their stamp on the internet with their brand.
Go now and buy the damn website with your brand name on it. Already taken? Buy a different. Make it short, clever and spell it right. Don’t know what to put on it? Leave it blank then, but do not, whatever you do, leave it out there for someone else to snatch up.
Step 3: Do it Stupid
People win over fans by making themselves out to be total asses. Your brand name succeeds when you’re the biggest ass on the planet. Don’t be a wuss. Your brand is driven by your ability to do something totally bullshit and then film it and put it on YouTube. That’s how people know that for that one precious moment, you were the king of total assholes. They won’t even remember what you did, only that you were the mofo that did it.
And get on it because people are doing stupider and stupider shit all the time. Pretty soon we’re gonna run out of stupid shit to do and then you’ll be stuck a nobody. Is that what you want!
Step 4: Beat It
Branding helps you carry the momentum of your accomplishment into the future. It’s the hook that keeps people back for more. Everyone is forgotten. All your accomplishments are for nothing 15 minutes later. But damnit, your brand can live on forever. Put it all over the web, spread it through the hot fingers of your friends and people you’ve never met who will obsess about you. Take pictures.
Remember, they aren’t forwarding just a YouTube clip, they are sending your brand all over the internet, spreading it like butter on bread. And the way to keep it up is to beat it into the ground. Twitter yourself into a frenzy, tag yourself in photos on facebook. Make a blog, start a photo album, add another video clip. Do whatever it takes to feed more of yourself into the world wide web until we are stuffed so full all we shit out is you.
You can’t ever let up! You can do it. The minute you stop, the minute you rest on your reputation, the minute you take a breather, you risk ruin unless your brand can carry you through to the next triumph. Only through the power of branding can you sell forever the one commodity that you actually have to offer the world…that commodity is you and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
