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Apr 21
Relationships Comments Off
It’s Tuesday morning; this article begins sometime around 1:30 AM when I mysteriously, after ninety minutes of sleep, awake and damn it all if I don’t get back to sleep.
I want to tell you I heard the siren call of my website; abandoned these past few weeks while my life kind of bounced around on its own pattern like a plinko chip. That would be a total lie. I abandoned ship out of a strong desire for renewal; to start over and rejuvenate my focus, recharge my energies. My writing was getting stale and kind of stinky. There was nothing to say and even that was articulated poorly.
The time away didn’t really fix that. I’m amazed how intractable human beings can be, most of all within myself. I desire change but there are no quick fixes, there is no snapping my finger and waking tomorrow a better person. I can smile, I can laugh, I can find my muse but any legitimate change is going to be gradual if it’s going to be permanent. Maybe you can do better, but I’m just not wired that way.
I like to think of my writing as a stabilizing force in my life, but the truth is probably that it more accurately reflects my manic depressive splits than I care to acknowledge. I set out ages ago to write for an audience but lately only write for myself. This has become more of a livejournal-type blog than I ever imagined it could be. But if it doesn’t serve a function for you as the reader, then the question has to be asked: does it serve any function for me as the writer?
And the truth is, I have no idea. And I think that, too, has been pretty evident in my writing lately. A wise source told me to treat the past as water under the bridge and learn to look to the future without looking backwards first. But the thing is, we are nothing without our yesterdays, good or bad. So maybe I can avoid looking over my shoulder as I move on, but I think it’s wise to embrace who we are and how we became that person rather than pulling up the rug and sweeping away all the debris underneath.
What this all means for my website and my writing more generally, I just don’t know. What I do know is that I have taken you, the reader, out of the equation which is too bad but perhaps inevitable. This wasn’t a change that I aimed for particularly but it was something that simply evolved over time. Because I don’t really believe that relationships stay static, fixed in place like painting, I know there will be new opportunities in the future.
Finished at 11:26 AM on April 21, 2009
