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So I’m not addicted to the new version of American Gladiators on NBC.

Okay, while I am not addicted, I will admit that there is a small part of me that gets a small thrill on Monday nights in between innings of the Sox game. I switch over to NBC and catch snippets of the show in all its frenzied, Super Mario-like glory. A battalion of muscle-bound warriors with names like Steel and Rocket, taking on the little guy in gladiatorial competition that are reminiscent of games you would play with couch cushions.

I will admit, I get a little excited in my pants when I see the gladiator introductions. There’s Hurricane, who looks like he was caught on BoySpyCamcom doing a strip tease. And Phoenix, whose montage includes strap-on black wings. My favorite has to be Crush, she can squeeze my loins any day.

Okay, so Titan is more than a little gay. His routine of flexing his thigh muscles before an event is a little suspect. At least Justice ripples his enormous breasts like the waves of the ocean crashing against the rocky shore. That’s the hallmark of a real man. And Helga? Words cannot describe. But really, when your characters are themselves caricatures of WWE, I guess you have to expect some lowbrow concepts.

What I love about the show is that the contestants get into the posing and preening for the camera just as much as the gladiators do. The fact that they buy wholeheartedly into the concept without a hint of irony as they lay down on ice baths between events, just makes the show that much more enticing. This week’s episode featured a 52-year-old lady who brought her parents in the audience. She was banged around, flipped off the pyramid like a rag doll, and continued to fight through to the end (I won’t spoil the outcome for you. You can watch the episode online if you really care.)

As much as I hate the fact that some of the events are teased during the episode but you have to go online to watch the full clip, I think the producers do a good job of picking the most gripping events. Watching contestant Tim dodge flying gladiators to dunk 5 balls during Sideswipe was pure edge-of-your-seat theater. And fortunately, the producers didn’t mess much with the formula for the Eliminator, the final challenge for the contestants to prove their mettle.

Still, I really can’t watch a full episode. It’s wholly better in small chunks. I have to mute the TV whenever Hulk Hogan comes on. He’s like the Carson Kressley of wrestling, animated and annoying with inexplicable career longevity. And the ref is a mess. The only event the guy would stand a chance in is Joust because he could just stand there like a statue until time ran out.

But if I time it just right, I can flip on the channel just in time to catch the events. That’s where American Gladiators has me hooked. Contestants, ready? Gladiators, ready? I’m ready too. Bring it.

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