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Don’t Raise Your Kids in Providence (Lessons from Row AA)

Sep 30

AndrewHumor Concert, providence, stupid people 1 Comment

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people in Providence? Tonight’s show at the Providence PAC was a convention of a circus freaks. Nobody could sit still for 2 seconds or keep their mouths shut long enough to hear a single note of music. It was the biggest shitshow of an audience that I have ever witnessed, short of someone setting themselves on fire, it could of been a fuckin’ sideshow of Ringling Bros.

People were streaming back and forth down the aisle from the beer to the stage. Was nobody there to see the show? You’d see some girl rush the stage during one song, come back to her seat just to rush back down to the stage 10 seconds later.

The Gold Medal

Two rows ahead of me, one guy had a seat near the middle of the row and literally got out of his seat three times during the first three songs, squeezing past these three poor girls who were sitting at the end of the row before they even had time to get up and make room for him to pass. Then he would do a little “I gotta pee” jig in the aisle before climbing back over them to his seat, only to get up again two minutes later. After the third song, he ran down the aisle closer to the stage to take pictures, until a security guard chased him away. He retreated half way back down the aisle and then started to creep forward again until security came back around to ask him to go back to his seat. Then he’d retreat, wait for security to get back to his post by the stage and edge back to towards the stage again. He didn’t tire of the game for a half hour.

But wait, that’s not even the weirdest part. When he’s finally bored, instead of going back to his seat, he takes up dancing in the aisle right next to my row. His friends, seeing how much fun he’s having, now decide to climb over those same three poor girls who just want to enjoy the show and they all dance in the aisle for a song and a half until they are asked to take a seat by PAC security. But instead of going back to their seats, they literally pilfer the first three empty seats they find, not even next to each other!

But wait, that’s not even the weirdest part. That same damn guy that started it all is now sitting behind a couple (man and woman) who are slow dancing at their seats and completely blocking his view of the stage. The woman is enormous, amazonian creature and her boyfriend is a frail crack junkie that she’s flinging around like a rag doll. That same damn guy could see nothing but her ass crack and her bf’s tapped veins, swirling around in a sloppy waltz.

But wait, that’s not even the weirdest part. Then, security comes over to ask the ballroom dancers to sit down and the same damn guy stands up and says to the security guy “It’s okay, it’s okay, let them dance. It’s okay.” Providence fucks with your priorities.

The Silver Medal

A girl behind me is wailing harmoniously at the top of her lungs. At first, I kind of thought it was just a guy with a faggy voice but I was assured later that it was indeed, a girl. She doesn’t know the words to any of the songs. She sang completely off key and would interrupt herself to shriek at the stage, causing the ears of the people around her to bleed. If I was any closer to her, I would have punched her in the face. Providence makes people violent.

The Bronze Medal

A gay couple on the youngish side decided to make out after hearing this song lyric:

“It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful husband”

Providence makes you hear whatever the fuck you want to hear.

The Consolation Prize goes to the three gentlemen next to me who apparently hadn’t heard that Queer as Folk was canceled in 2005. Providence means never having to apologize for being 3 years out of fashion.

Fuck Providence.