RSSAdvice for Couples from a Single Guy
Aug 04
Relationships marriage, Relationships, Singles Comments Off
A state of perpetual singledom has given me perspective on your relationship. Try this advice on and let me know how it looks on you.
Take Control
Relationships are a power play, and the person that wins isn’t necessarily the one who plays their best game. The one that wins is the one that writes the rules.
The best relationships are the ones where both parties explicitly collaborate and agree on how things are. Talking through the issues, from house cleaning to finances to the future, forces you to recognize potential disagreements. For a lot of couples, just talking it out can diffuse inflated expectations. Write the rules together, and avoid the hazards of a power struggle.
Sometimes, though, control in a relationship is established by purely indirect means. Who needs the relationship more? When someone pegs so much of their self-worth on a relationship, it tips the control away from them, sometimes completely inadvertently. It is one of those conditions that we fail to acknowledge until things go wrong. Then it becomes obvious that one person is going to suffer more.
Unpack
Look, human beings are messed up. There isn’t a creature among us who made it to adulthood without some startlingly, vibrant and fucking scary personal issues. It’s not the issues themselves that make the (wo)man, but how, and when, they deal with them.
Our problems become potential relationship hazards; everything from addictions to deeply hidden secrets to a f’d up family history. It is one thing to keep those things hidden from the world at large, which is pretty common and probably wise. It is another thing altogether to keep them from one of the most trusted people in your life. Now, is that “most trusted person” your partner, or yourself?
Here’s the problem: secrets will often bite you in the ass. And honestly, what once was so tragic to admit usually loses a bit of its bite as time passes.
Lying to yourself is the fastest way to self-destruct. Lying to your partner is the fastest way to self-destruct your relationship. But since I’m the single guy, I’ll offer this advice: if you cannot be honest with anyone else about just how serious your issue(s) may be, you need to be honest with yourself. Sit yourself down in front of the mirror today and say, “Self, I want to tell you about my problem.” Then, spill it.
It’s cliché, but honesty breeds two results. One, you might find one day that you are ready to share your issues with your loved one just by having fessed up to yourself. Two, honesty diffuses the issue a little at a time and eventually, it ceases to be a problem that can cause damage.
Let It Be
Here’s the thing.
Relationships come in a lot of different flavors, and they work for a lot of different reasons. The important thing is to remember that you are not obligated to characterize your relationship by some predefined strictures or even your own, or anyone else’s, expectations. Sometimes partnerships work despite all the advice columnists in the world suggesting otherwise. And sometimes, no matter what you do, things are going to blow up.
It’s also worth remembering that if your relationship does combust, you are probably going to be wreck. Save being upset for a time when it’s worth expending the emotional and mental energy. A lot of times, as human beings, we end up in the crash position just waiting for something to happen. But just as it is important to acknowledge when things in your relationship aren’t perfect, it’s equally important to recognize when they are.
