Aug 20
AndrewRelationships Destiny, Fate
Encarta Cascade. science: a succession of things such as chemical reactions or components in an electrical circuit, each of which activates, affects, or determines the next
Cause and effect is one my favorite topics when I want to wax philosophically about the nature of the universe and wonder at the cascade of events that leads from one point in our lives to the next. Often, the markers of succession go by virtually unnoticed. A innocuous decision snowballs into a major life event, a casual e-mail changes the course of your day, the inadvertent words of a friend hearken to the very solution you were looking for without ever having posed the question.
There’s a great number of different words to describe the same phenomenon. Serendipity is the concurrence of fortunate events. Fate is the prophecy of conclusion. Providence is the interference of a higher power. Murphy’s law, the endgame of misfortune.
Whatever you call it, destiny is something that we create ourselves, either systemically or individually or more often than not, a combination of both. Fate is the confluence of the decisions we make, that cascade one upon another until they reach a critical mass. There are decisions for which right and wrong do not factor in, only integrity and being true to ourselves. Some are hardly earth shattering. Deciding what to eat for lunch is, most days at least, hardly life changing. But human beings are largely oblivious to the cause and effect as it roils in the universal ether around them. It’s probably a defense mechanism built into our innate nature. Imagine worrying about how every action you take, every decision decided upon creates a butterfly effect that alters the fabric of your existence. You’d go bonkers.
Yet it sometimes becomes clear after the fact that something once decided did ripple out to greater effect than we originally intended. Call it dumb luck (good or bad being relative to the outcome). Unknowingly, our actions and intentions leave a footprint in our patterns of behavior and the end result, if it happens often enough and touches us deeply enough, leaves a permanent mark.
For what it’s worth, I do acknowledge as part of this philosophy that sometimes the decisions are not ours to make, the actions not ours to take, but the impact nevertheless resonates and disrupts our lives. And inevitably at that point, we ourselves are faced with a decision how to react, or counteract, the play of the game with the cards in our hand. That moment, too, is a critical mass. The point at which you choose to be swept along on the momentum of someone else’s orbit, or set your own course and accept the consequences and responsibility for your actions.
Life is rarely as simple or poetic as such, but the one thing that is clear is that what happens today affects what will occur tomorrow. Sometimes the alteration is small and insignificant, sometimes the tremors are felt for days, the ground beneath our feet shaking with a soundless fury. It’s not just a role of the dice. There are things that we do and decisions that we make that make up the substance of our future. As a participant and spectator, I embrace the cascade and watch in wonder as the succession of events leads to whatever will happen next.
Aug 07
AndrewLife in Digital, Relationships Matchmaking, online dating
I surfed my way to the newest trend in online dating, the matchmaker. With the traditional online dating sites all but dead in the water (the pool so diluted with outdated and unlikely profiles and the costs of memberships disturbingly out of sync with the features being offered) the new movement afoot is to produce personalized matchmaking services. It used to be the perception that such things for the rich (the so-called millionaires clubs) and maybe that hasn’t changed that much. But at least these “concierge” services are being offered to the general public at a price.
I’ve never been a big fan of online dating. Online has become a realm for people to engage in fantasy, to indulge in idealized personas and doctored photographs. If you can dream it, it can be a reality online. Call it the world-of-warcraft syndrome. You create a fiction, breath life into it, and live vicariously through the fantasy by logging on every evening. Your creation can earn a virtual degree, lock horns with a dragon, or finally be rid of that pesky incurable STD.
It’s a scary world we have embraced. Think of it as an extension of the American dream. Anyone can be famous, wealthy, successful. Well, now you can, at least virtually.
The problem is this kind of environment creates impossible situations to foster a relationship of honesty and integrity. Sure, if you’re only looking to get laid, then craigslist offers endless choice, and if you can fulfill a fantasy or be fulfilled so much the better. But conventional dating cannot exist in a world where the terms are changed at the whim of a Save button. If you find someone who portrays themselves honestly, they are largely undesirable. And thus the dating pool has become one where every guy is ripped, every girl is busty and the entire world is created in the visionary perfection of A Shot of Love.
What then to do with the new breed of matchmaking services for the average person (which, it’s worth noting, are still costly, starting upwards of $5000 for decent personalized attention and rocketing to $25,000 memberships for the chalupa of concierge service)? Because on the one hand, personalized matching purports to remove the fantasy from the equation. People are stripped down to their mortal skins, sure still presented in the best light, but backed by honesty agreements that the matchmaking company says you are what you claim to be. On the other hand, these kind of services are all about marketing; transforming you into a top shelf vodka. Doesn’t that play into the fantasy element as richly as creating a dating profile of yourself that is patently dishonest?
Maybe I’m being cynical, but this doesn’t have to be a rhetorical question. If you want to know the caliber of any dating site, with personalized matching or just traditional pile of profiles, just browse through them. If the guys are all shirtless, ripped, describing themselves as “average” when they are clearly “athletic” you know you are being taken. Let me tell you something, maybe fabulously handsome guys do need online dating to make a relationship, but they aren’t looking to date you.
My lack of success with online dating is directly tied to the fact that I don’t play to the fantasy very well. I was never very good at dressing myself up in a profile. Honestly, I’m not totally comfortable with the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with falling in love with my profile first before meeting me. It seems to me that the expectations will skyrocket to levels that cannot possibly be fulfilled (assuming I do a good enough job of selling myself.) And if I’m not honest in how I portray myself, I can hardly expect anything different from my match on the other end.
It’s a horrible cycle. If I’m honest, I’m too doughy, too cynical, too intellectual, too anything to land a date. And if I pretend I’m not any of those things, then I’m alone, unmatched. I have my integrity but at a cost.
For people like me, guys to whom an “average” build isn’t modesty, guys who are without aspirations for fame or fantasy, personalized matchmaking services are no better than just posting my profile on some random dating site. I don’t need a dating concierge to tell me to lay off the chocolate cake. Maybe in the end my failure with the online dating scene boils down to the fact that never in my wildest fantasy do I imagine myself meeting someone through internet. Online is a realm where anything we can imagine is possible, but that’s one step that’s beyond my imagination.
Aug 06
SquidRelationships
I like to think that I’m a good person. I donate old, barely worn designer shoes to Goodwill. I recycle, even when the countless stale beer cans make my mudroom smell like a swamp in August. I’ve adopted abandoned kittens and volunteered with special needs children. I’ve never passed a Salvation Army Santa without tossing over a dollar, and I’ve never walked by a Girl Scout without taking home a box of Thin Mints. I like to help people, especially when I feel as if I’ve made a difference in peoples’ lives.
Here’s the point that I’ve always missed, though. Men aren’t kittens or autistic kids (well, not all of them). They shouldn’t need a monetary donation or for you to buy them a box of cookies for their good behavior. You shouldn’t need to adopt and coddle a man like you would a greyhound you stumble over leaving the local OTB. There are reasons why some men, like these dogs, have been abandoned- and they probably haven’t ever worked as hard or will ever be able to offer you the same quality cuddling, or licking, for that matter.
Being the good samaritan that I am, however, I’ve never shied away from the innocently sweet and adorably downtrodden “project guy.” You know the guy I’m talking about. That wonderful man who is just a little ‘off’ in a way that you can’t really place. The guy your friends say they like with the same excitement they express about pap smears. The guy who has mysteriously been single for the past five years. They guy who sets off countless red flags, but because you’re such a wonderful person who sees the good in everyone, you come up with an unbelievably absurd explanation for all of these flags and hold the hand of your special needs companion through any obstacle they may encounter.
Until, one day, you wake up and think: What am I doing?
I had this revelation about a month ago. I realized that I was in a pattern of finding the most unsuitable men and making fix-it projects out of them. Instead of painting my kitchen that fabulous shade of red that has been sitting under my sink for the past six months, or building the trunk full of IKEA furniture that waits patiently in my spare room, disastrous men became my weekend projects. Men whose pieces needed to be picked up, and instead of stepping over them like ten or twenty women before me, I was drawn to them, and I made it my goal to gather their pieces and put them together.
After four years with a basement dwelling, Dungeons and Dragons playing pizza delivery guy, a year and a half with someone who was probably not only certifiably insane, but functionally retarded as well, with, of course, the ubiquitous bouncers, frat guys and soldiers thrown in, I’ve realized that these pieces can’t be put back together, and I’ve found some red flags that can’t be ignored.
1. He’s on so many medications that he must carry them around with him in a fanny pack.
The types of medications aren’t important, as this man will constantly be hopped up on something, therefore, he’ll be an emotional rollercoaster. This is tiring and gets old fast. Especially when he actually wears the fanny pack. If you can tolerate the fanny pack, please beware when he graduates to a mini backpack.
2. He plays online role playing games.
War games such as Day of Defeat may be forgiven for an exceptional man, as they’re the manliest of the genre. and the lesser of about 100 evils. Any games in which his character is a wizard, a dragon, an Asian person with a sword, or a Star Wars character, however, is completely unacceptable. No exceptions.
Games that require a microphone and speakers to communicate live with other players across the world at 3am while you’re sleeping aren’t acceptable either. Especially when these players become his “friends” and he starts to describe to them how your breasts feel -- but don’t be too offended, he’s only sharing because he’s the only one who has ever seen a pair.
3. He lives with his parents. This is an issue on a few fronts:
- His mother: self explanatory.
- To be fair, some guys do have wonderful mothers. This can also be a problem, however, when you feel guilty about abandoning your project because you know his mother will be disappointed.
- No sleepovers. And, if you don’t hide your hatred for his mother and decide to spend the night in bed with her son under her roof, you definitely can’t shower before work in the morning. Being naked in the same 3 foot by 6 foot enclosure that his father was dangling around in ten minutes earlier is just creepy. Also, do you really want to use their soap?
- This may be avoided if he has a basement apartment, which is an entirely different issue all together. Do not move into said basement apartment. You’ll be raising 10 kids down there by the time you realize what hit you. Then you’ll never get away from his mother- and now she’ll be trying to raise your kids.
- There will probably not be any earth shattering orgasms. And, again, if you hate his mother enough to let yourself be heard, you’ll not only be thought of as the girl who isn’t good enough for her son, but you’re now a whore as well. Those looks aren’t fun to dodge over the Thanksgiving turkey.
4. “This never happens to me.”
No, it happens to him all the time. It isn’t just the Whiskey.
5. The only place he will take you to dinner (including your anniversaries, birthdays, Flag Day, etc.) is Applebee’s/TGI Friday’s/Chili’s/Ruby Tuesday/99 Restaurant/[insert mall/Route 1 restaurant with an 'apostrophe S' here].
He is either cheap or completely unoriginal. Interestingly enough, you can get some delicious Vietnamese noodles and spring rolls for a quarter of the price of your dinner at one of these restaurants. But, sadly, this guy does not stray from a diet of red meat in the form of burgers and NY strip steaks.
Also, please run away if he actually thinks that these restaurants count as a fine dining experience. Real conversation:
Me: “We never go anywhere nice.”
Him: “Babe, are you serious? I take you to the 99 all the time!”
6. He’s broke. I’m not talking about the student loans, paying rent in Boston, highly qualified and underpaid broke. I’m not talking about the musicians or the artists who live 10 to an apartment and make ends meet on one show a month. I’m talking about the guys that are broke for no reason -- they have a decent job, the rent in their “garden level” apartment right outside the city doesn’t break the bank, and their most extravagant grocery purchase is EZ Mac, or maybe a Hungryman dinner, yet they can’t spare a few bucks to take you to the culinary orgasm that is the 99 Restaurant.
They either have a tiny drug problem (and by tiny, I mean huge), or spend a good chunk on phone sex lines.
If the culprit is the phone sex, please make sure that sweetie-pie isn’t using your credit card. Aside from the obvious reasons, phone sex operators will steal your identity. Seriously.
7. He’s a soldier and is only in town for one night. There are two possible outcomes in this scenario:
- You’ll never see him again. This can be a favorable outcome.
- You’ll never see him again… but you now see your gyno bi-annually for a Valtrex prescription. This is not a favorable outcome.
8. Virgin Guy. “Virgin Guy” can be as such for many different reasons. All are equally disturbing.
- He’s actually “Super Christian Guy.” “Super Christian Guy” is perfect if you’re “Super Christian Girl.” But, if you’re like me, “Super Christian Guy” can lead you to to some extreme sexual frustration. You should probably end this relationship before it begins, because when you cheat on Super Christian Guy, which you will, you’ll feel like shit for doing something so immoral to someone so righteous.
- He’s “never had the opportunity.” By the age of twenty or thirty-something, unless you’re a leper, you should have had the opportunity. If this man hadn’t been able to get a girl drunk enough to take advantage of her in the 10 years he’s been able to legally drink, there is something seriously wrong with him. Don’t stick around to be the one to find out what it is.
- Please refer to #4 and remember that you aren’t a miracle worker.
9. He’s still working at his High School job… and he’s 30.
Of course pizza delivery boys and video store clerks can be attractive, they’re only human, and because they probably spend most of their free time in their parents’ basement apartment, they probably don’t get much sun and therefore have beautiful skin. Dedication is also a quality that can be admired, and someone who spends 14 years with the same company is definitely dedicated. This dedication can come in handy when your honey works for GE, Prudential, or Morgan Stanley. Papa Gino’s, however, may not offer as competitive stock options, health care benefits, or 401K plans, and may not be the best career choice for a 30 year old man. Sadly, your delivery guy, who is hopefully driving a car with one of those fabulous light up signs as opposed to a bicycle, will grow tired of your nagging about a career move and “expecting too much of him” and will eventually break up with you. His mother will smirk at you as you emerge from the basement apartment.
10. Too complimentary guy.
This guy wants one of two things from you:
- To sleep with you.
- To sleep with you and then stalk you. Said ‘stalking’ doesn’t have to be of the violent type. Harmless daily calling and emailing is also unacceptable.
Aug 05
JeremyLife in Digital, Relationships dating, dating advice, internet personals, online dating
It always amuses me when people pretend to be horrified that their friends are trying online dating. It even amused me ten years ago, when it was still a relatively new concept. After all, you’re just as likely to meet an axe murderer squeezing melons in the produce section as you are on match.com; he’s just probably going to be a more outgoing axe murderer. Even though some won’t admit it, my guess is that nearly everyone I know has given internet personals a try. The trick is, however, to do it well. Here are a few things to avoid when putting yourself out there:
Don’t be the jerk without a photo. Okay, in 1998, it wasn’t a big deal to not have a picture of yourself on an online personals ad. You had the one friend with the digital camera, sure, but getting them to take a picture and email it to you over dial-up was just a hassle. But c’mon people…it’s 2008. There’s no excuse. Even your phone has a built in camera! So what does it say about you if you lack a photo? Well, it’s online dating site code for “I’m hideously deformed” or “I’m so fucking lazy that I can’t be bothered to post a photo, let alone answer your email and set up a date.” Or possibly “I’m creepily stalking exes on here and had to set up a profile, but I don’t want them to know.”
Fill in the profile. Nothing is more annoying than an empty profile. The profile is your chance to create a first impression on others. Don’t write an autobiography, but at least try to give some impression of who you are and what kinds of activities and people you enjoy.
Don’t look for reasons not to talk to people. This is about meeting someone new and chances are that the person who will work out for dating won’t have every single thing you want. They will be too short, too brown-haired, too shy, too something…but there still might be some magic anyway. Push your boundaries and try talking to someone new, even if you aren’t sure about them. When others write to you, be polite and respond, even if your response is “Thank you for writing, but I don’t think we would be compatible.”
Just suck it and up make a date. Talking online forever is not a way to build a relationship or to build trust. Do not spend weeks and weeks emailing and IMing. It just creates unrealistic expectations in the end. Go with your gut and if a person seems interesting, suggest coffee (or whatever beverage you enjoy).
Everyone is lame on a first date. Everyone. Unless a person is hideously offensive (and yes, that has happened to me), a second date is probably warranted. Everyone is nervous on date number one and that usually ends up hiding some of one’s better qualities. On a second date, you can relax a little bit more and actually start getting to know one another. At this point, you can start to figure out if you want to pursue future dates.
Okay, have you got the 101 down? Good. Go out and try it and let us know how it works out. The advanced course will be coming up sometime soon.
Aug 04
AndrewRelationships marriage, Relationships, Singles
A state of perpetual singledom has given me perspective on your relationship. Try this advice on and let me know how it looks on you.
Take Control
Relationships are a power play, and the person that wins isn’t necessarily the one who plays their best game. The one that wins is the one that writes the rules.
The best relationships are the ones where both parties explicitly collaborate and agree on how things are. Talking through the issues, from house cleaning to finances to the future, forces you to recognize potential disagreements. For a lot of couples, just talking it out can diffuse inflated expectations. Write the rules together, and avoid the hazards of a power struggle.
Sometimes, though, control in a relationship is established by purely indirect means. Who needs the relationship more? When someone pegs so much of their self-worth on a relationship, it tips the control away from them, sometimes completely inadvertently. It is one of those conditions that we fail to acknowledge until things go wrong. Then it becomes obvious that one person is going to suffer more.
Unpack
Look, human beings are messed up. There isn’t a creature among us who made it to adulthood without some startlingly, vibrant and fucking scary personal issues. It’s not the issues themselves that make the (wo)man, but how, and when, they deal with them.
Our problems become potential relationship hazards; everything from addictions to deeply hidden secrets to a f’d up family history. It is one thing to keep those things hidden from the world at large, which is pretty common and probably wise. It is another thing altogether to keep them from one of the most trusted people in your life. Now, is that “most trusted person” your partner, or yourself?
Here’s the problem: secrets will often bite you in the ass. And honestly, what once was so tragic to admit usually loses a bit of its bite as time passes.
Lying to yourself is the fastest way to self-destruct. Lying to your partner is the fastest way to self-destruct your relationship. But since I’m the single guy, I’ll offer this advice: if you cannot be honest with anyone else about just how serious your issue(s) may be, you need to be honest with yourself. Sit yourself down in front of the mirror today and say, “Self, I want to tell you about my problem.” Then, spill it.
It’s cliché, but honesty breeds two results. One, you might find one day that you are ready to share your issues with your loved one just by having fessed up to yourself. Two, honesty diffuses the issue a little at a time and eventually, it ceases to be a problem that can cause damage.
Let It Be
Here’s the thing.
Relationships come in a lot of different flavors, and they work for a lot of different reasons. The important thing is to remember that you are not obligated to characterize your relationship by some predefined strictures or even your own, or anyone else’s, expectations. Sometimes partnerships work despite all the advice columnists in the world suggesting otherwise. And sometimes, no matter what you do, things are going to blow up.
It’s also worth remembering that if your relationship does combust, you are probably going to be wreck. Save being upset for a time when it’s worth expending the emotional and mental energy. A lot of times, as human beings, we end up in the crash position just waiting for something to happen. But just as it is important to acknowledge when things in your relationship aren’t perfect, it’s equally important to recognize when they are.
Jul 29
JeremyPolitics and Nation, Relationships, Society and Culture gay marriage, marriage equality, massachusetts
The Massachusetts House today passed a repeal of a 1913 law that effectively prevented out-of-state gay couples from marrying in Massachusetts, the first state to legalize gay marriage in 2004. This move followed a previous vote by the state Senate to repeal the law and Governor Deval Patrick has indicated that he will sign the measure. The repeal passed by a wide margin, 118 to 35, after only 45 minutes of debate.
The archaic law was rooted in turn-of-the-century attempts to keep interracial couples from marrying. It barred nuptials for any visiting couple who could not be legally wed in their home state and was passed at a time when many other states banned interracial marriage. The little known law was resurrected in 2004 by then-Governor Mitt Romney, seeking to attenuate the effects of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court’s Goodridge decision that allowed same-sex weddings.
With the repeal, Massachusetts is expected to experience a boom in the destination wedding industry as it hosts gay couples from all over the country. California is currently the only other state in which gay couples can marry.
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