Aug 25
AndrewSociety and Culture, Television ANTM, Football, Television
The unofficial marker of autumn is upon us with the start of the next season of Monday Night Football (the Monday after Labor Day), the start of a new semester of classes, and another birthday. Of course, fall is also the start of a new television season, after enduring so much new summer filler they threw at us on television.
I don’t watch much television, most of it seriously sucks, but there is room for America’s Next Top Model and a couple hours worth of Project Runway reruns every week. Kathy Griffin is a riot, so is Family Guy and both never fail to lighten my mood when I need a TV break. Most of my TV time is reserved for the Red Sox and anything related to pro football. That’s my ritual Sunday for the fall (and Monday night, and Thursdays when I can find someone who actually gets the NFL network).
But for the most part, I am no longer sucked in by medical dramas, supernatural mysteries (unless you count the popularity of Monk) politically correct sitcoms and How I Met Your Mother. Some of it is better written than the rest, but none of it drags me in front the TV the way Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Friends and early episodes of CSI used to.
Maybe it’s because a television habit is not a compatible activity without just about any other productive use of my time. Nothing drains away my mental capacity like Next. It’s not even the visual menagerie that distracts me so much as the constant audio stream. It’s amazing that I long ago learned to tune out commercials (even as I watch them, I have no idea what they are advertising) but the shows themselves still wrest away my attention.
I realize our addiction to TV is piled on years of conditioning. It’s my babysitter, my best friend and occasionally, my lover. It has been with me through all the ups and downs of my life and somehow, never passes judgment on…okay, I can’t keep that up anymore. But you know where I was going with it.
Fall itself is a product of the same rigorous conditioning. Even people who no longer live on the academic cycle from September to May have the imprint of twelves years or more of moving to the tune of the school year. It’s ingrained in many of us from an early age. The best television starts in the fall. Summer is for vacations, for camping and long weekends and day trips. Autumn is for buckling down and relearning all the good habits that were so easily forgotten for the three months when the sun shined. Winter is the darkness, and spring the revival. Even when all those patterns of behavior are striped away, we still think of the start of fall as a substantial indicator of promise, the least of which is there might be something worth watching on TV.
While I’m damn excited about the next season of Top Model, it’s the promise of another season of football that has me restless and buzzing with eagerness. Sure the Pats might have to rely on a back-up quarterback (pick one, the result will be the same) the Jets are riding Brett Favre until he drops, and Pennington is with Dolphins? Apparently, they are comfortable bottom dwelling for another year. But, fuck Lost, that’s all the drama I need to make my fall a special one.
Sep 21
AndrewTelevision ANTM, CW, Top Model, Tyra Banks
Alright, without shame, I admit I am a big fan of America’s Next Top Model. Since reality television has become all the rage, I have cultivated a short list of shows that I will unabashedly hurl myself in front of the TV to watch, furniture and people in my way be damned!
Here is the shortlist:
Real World/Road Rules Challenge
The Apprentice
Nanny 911
Hell’s Kitchen
And of course, Americas Next Top Model. By far ANTM makes me salivate the most. A two-hour season premiere on Wednesday is on the same level of ecstasy as the Patriots in the Superbowl. A roomful of naked models, although admittedly women, taking glamour shots and acting like divas, for a concept, it is pure gold. Tyra Banks entertains me, and she surrounds herself with buoyant personalities. Read on for my prediction of this season’s winner.
First Hour, First Impressions
So here are some impressions of the models during hour 1 of the premiere.
Becky my first impression is that she is pretty. Then later, she tells us she raises pigs. Seems like she could have left that one alone.
Evita played off of the kids at home and husband in the military sympathies immediately. How do you say “cheap ploy” in Arabic?
Caridee idiot.
Her quotes so far: “I do things people wouldnt normally do,” trying to describe her reckless and spontaneous nature but basically it comes off sounding like, if you jumped off a bridge, she would be right behind you.
And describing the Aswirl twins, she calls them, “The two twins of twirl…land” with an uncertain pause as if she herself is not sure what she is saying.
The twins Both Immediately indistinguishable to me. Each girl has an identical ruddy, long pointed nose. They should be pulling Santa’s sled.
Oh, its Cari-dee. I was pronouncing it as one word, like in David Carradine.
Anchal She gets points for being the first to cry on camera.
Monique Does not get points for being the second to cry because of childhood trauma. Later says she will go,As far as my mind takes me. Hello? It is your body that is taking you places honey. Or not, as the case may be. And for the record, your mind ain’t doing you any favors so far.
Eugena trash talker. Describes herself as “straight forward” which is just another way to say ‘mean gossip.’
Megan in the swimsuit, she makes a really hot boy.
Evita her sob story repeated for the judges, then she cried. Nice body in the bathing suit. Memo to Evita: just because you abandoned your two kids for fifteen minutes of fame, does not mean you “want it more.”
Cyndel the “entertainer.” Tyra tells her stripping is not modeling, but somehow Cyndel seems unconvinced. I am still trying to decide if Cyndel is her stripper name…
Jaslene Those horse teeth! You can see them from space. On the close-up, my entire screen went white (and a couple shades of yellow. Eeww
)
Melrose I don’t even know what to say, ask me later.
Cyndel again. This girl is some serious white trash. Jay, she’s gonna pop your tires if she ever figure out what car is yours.
Ginger objects to the nude photo shoot saying that women should not “expose your private parts and I just cant do it.” There is always one girl that you would just swear has never seen the show before. Take off them damn clothes, woman!
Melrose has a mouth on her. I guess that is something to say.
Megg goes crazy with the whore make-up during the nude photo shoot.
Caridee tells the women, you cannot be sheltered, trying to convince the prude girls to drop trou for the camera. Quoted so much during this episode, she must make the cut. During elimination, the expression on her face is surreal. She looks like she was going to split open, the suspense if too much for her. Slowly, her expression becomes more and more pained as Tyra continues to call for other girls to “come on down!” She makes it, though.
Predicting the Winner
On ANTM, it is pretty hard to predict a winner prior to the make-over episode. Then you can really tell the ones that have the goods. Still, I am going to use all of my accumulated ANTM knowledge to do exactly that. Here is how it goes.
Megan - the butch boy look is so last cycle.
Christian - well, she got the boot by the end of the episode so no precognition needed there.
Monique - she’s a bitch and that is usually good to make the final five, but she has absolutely no sense of what to do in front of the camera to make herself look pretty, and the first time she is uncooperative to Jay, she’s eliminated. (And I will not even mention how classy it was that she poured water on to someone else’s bed and claimed she peed on it.)
Jaeda - no personality only works as long as you take great pictures.
Megg - her slouch is yuck, and face is unpleasant. She always looks like she’s squinting.
Anchal - her figure borders on plus size. She does take good photos but inevitably low self-esteem plus a big booty does not a Top Model make.
Brooke - too young.
Melrose - she cried! Then she cried again during elimination even though she made it through to next week. There are pills for that.
Eugena - not much in the way of developing personality, she is a basic nobody special in the first episode.
A.J. -- love the shot, but she cried during judging. Keep talking about how unique you are and nobody will believe it.
Caridee good stuff, and I take back whatever bad things I have said about her.
Amanda (Twin 1) -- great pose, great poise. And the nose didn’t look half bad in the second episode.
Michelle (Twin 2) -- loved her shot, and so did the judges. The twin that can do the better strut on the runway will keep going in the competition.
My prediction is Caridee.
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