Aug 04
AndrewRelationships marriage, Relationships, Singles
A state of perpetual singledom has given me perspective on your relationship. Try this advice on and let me know how it looks on you.
Take Control
Relationships are a power play, and the person that wins isn’t necessarily the one who plays their best game. The one that wins is the one that writes the rules.
The best relationships are the ones where both parties explicitly collaborate and agree on how things are. Talking through the issues, from house cleaning to finances to the future, forces you to recognize potential disagreements. For a lot of couples, just talking it out can diffuse inflated expectations. Write the rules together, and avoid the hazards of a power struggle.
Sometimes, though, control in a relationship is established by purely indirect means. Who needs the relationship more? When someone pegs so much of their self-worth on a relationship, it tips the control away from them, sometimes completely inadvertently. It is one of those conditions that we fail to acknowledge until things go wrong. Then it becomes obvious that one person is going to suffer more.
Unpack
Look, human beings are messed up. There isn’t a creature among us who made it to adulthood without some startlingly, vibrant and fucking scary personal issues. It’s not the issues themselves that make the (wo)man, but how, and when, they deal with them.
Our problems become potential relationship hazards; everything from addictions to deeply hidden secrets to a f’d up family history. It is one thing to keep those things hidden from the world at large, which is pretty common and probably wise. It is another thing altogether to keep them from one of the most trusted people in your life. Now, is that “most trusted person” your partner, or yourself?
Here’s the problem: secrets will often bite you in the ass. And honestly, what once was so tragic to admit usually loses a bit of its bite as time passes.
Lying to yourself is the fastest way to self-destruct. Lying to your partner is the fastest way to self-destruct your relationship. But since I’m the single guy, I’ll offer this advice: if you cannot be honest with anyone else about just how serious your issue(s) may be, you need to be honest with yourself. Sit yourself down in front of the mirror today and say, “Self, I want to tell you about my problem.” Then, spill it.
It’s cliché, but honesty breeds two results. One, you might find one day that you are ready to share your issues with your loved one just by having fessed up to yourself. Two, honesty diffuses the issue a little at a time and eventually, it ceases to be a problem that can cause damage.
Let It Be
Here’s the thing.
Relationships come in a lot of different flavors, and they work for a lot of different reasons. The important thing is to remember that you are not obligated to characterize your relationship by some predefined strictures or even your own, or anyone else’s, expectations. Sometimes partnerships work despite all the advice columnists in the world suggesting otherwise. And sometimes, no matter what you do, things are going to blow up.
It’s also worth remembering that if your relationship does combust, you are probably going to be wreck. Save being upset for a time when it’s worth expending the emotional and mental energy. A lot of times, as human beings, we end up in the crash position just waiting for something to happen. But just as it is important to acknowledge when things in your relationship aren’t perfect, it’s equally important to recognize when they are.
Aug 01
JeremyHumor, Life in Digital iPhone, marriage, satire
Earlier this month, SmartReMarxcom reported that marriage between human and iPhone had become legal in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. As this ruling by the Supreme Judicial Court went into effect, its scope was immediately limited to Massachusetts residents when the administration invoked a little-known 1913 law. The law prohibited the state from providing marriage licenses to out-of-state couples who could not legally wed in their home jurisdiction. While originally intended as a barrier to interracial marriage, the law had descended into obscurity until it was resurrected in recent years, first to limit gay marriage and then iPhone marriage. The state acted this week to repeal that law effective immediately, allowing out-of-state couples to get married in Massachusetts even if their marriage will not be legal or will be of questionable legality in their place of residence.
What remains unknown is the extent of discrimination that such marriages will face when they return to their home states, both legal and social. Currently, no other state allows its residents the right to form unions with their iPhones or, indeed, any other indispensable electronic device. It is unclear whether other states will honor such marriages performed in Massachusetts or if they will invoke the federal Defense of Marriage Act of 1996, intended to prevent states from being forced to recognize marriages other than those between a man and woman. Some experts have suggested that the state of New York is likely to recognize such marriages even if they are not permitted within the state itself, while California is expected to follow suit.
Whether iPhone marriages will be accepted socially presents an even murkier issue. SmartReMarxcom spoke with a woman this morning who was applying for a marriage license with her iPhone at Boston City Hall. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she told our reporter that she had come to Massachusetts under the guise of attending a professional conference and spoke of her fears that her family and friends in Alabama would react badly when she and her new husband return home. “My daddy gets real upset if I even mention how much we love each other. He threatened to run my iPhone over with the car if we didn’t break things off! Mama just shook her head and commented that at least it wasn’t a Blackberry.” When asked if she would fight for legal recognition in her own state, the young woman’s eyes filled with tears and she told us that the couple had not yet decided. “Our love is real and if we can’t be joined at home, we can at least be wed here in Boston.”
The Massachusetts Family Protection Center is trying to organize boycotts of both Apple Inc. and AT&T Wireless, the maker of the iPhone and the network which distributes it, respectively. Protesters outside the Apple Store at the Natick Collection bear signs with slogans such as “Electronic Love is Unnatural” and “God Hates Technophiles.” Mall security is in evidence, but so far, things have remained fairly calm. An Apple spokesperson said that the protest has had little effect on sales.
Jul 18
JeremyHumor, Life in Digital iPhone, iPhone satire, marriage, Sarcasm
Following up on a comment made on yesterday’s iPhone review, SmartReMarxcom has learned that the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts has opened the door to nuptials between a man and his iPhone. This is the most significant ruling of its kind since the Goodridge decision in 2003 legalized marriage for same-sex couples in the state.
In an interview with the man, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of ridicule, he told SmartReMarxcom that a marriage with his iPhone seemed the only sensible course of action. “I want to stay with my iPhone 3G forever. We have a bond so strong that nothing can break it!” He later admitted that though their relationship has been a whirlwind romance of only a week, both he and the iPhone knew that marriage was the right choice for them.
The reactions of his friends and family have been mixed. His mother expressed relief. “At least he is finally out of the basement.” A friend, though, worried that his relationship with iPhone 3G may not last. “What’s going to happen next year or the year after when a new model comes out? He already discarded his first-generation iPhone as soon as he saw this one.”
A traditional marriage advocacy group, Massachusetts Family Protection Center, issued a statement immediately condemning the SJC’s announcement. “This ruling confirms what we have long feared: a marriage free-for-all. It’s bad enough that Massachusetts allows gays to marry, but now our once great state will become a haven for geeks, nerds, and their electronic love affairs.”
A spokesman for Apple Inc. had no comment other than to wish the couple happiness and offer them 3 years of AppleCare at a discounted rate.
Feb 11
AndrewRelationships Love, marriage, Weddings
If this is any indication of the weekend ahead, I’m in trouble.
It is Thursday night and I am leaving tomorrow in the Bride’s car to drive down to Long Island Nowhere. My mission is to gas up the car, pack, and enjoy the rest of the night with a burrito from Qdoba in one hand, and the remote control in the other. (You thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?)
I noticed after I got home tonight that car’s passenger side rear tire was flat. Single digit PSI. No big deal, I was planning on getting dinner from the burrito place, and gas. I just added air pump to the list with a minimal amount of complication.
I drove the entire length of Somerville looking for a gas station with a working air pump. First gas station (the one where I actually stopped for gas) broken. The second gas station I thought I would drive by wasn’t there. I don’t know if I missed it or if it mysteriously evaporated. The third, the air pump was there, the hose was not. Someone had tied it up inside the service bay. (Who steals an air hose?)
Finally, I found a gas station, almost in Medford, 3 miles from my apartment. The pump was 75 cents. 75 cents! For that, I can play Cops and Donuts for an hour at Foxwoods. Well, fortunately I had taken 50 cents out of my laundry money just in case I had to pay to pump. Unfortunately, the pump was 75 cents. Wife only had nickels in her ashtray, and it was clear she actually used her ashtray so I wasn’t touchin’ those anyhow.
On to the next gas station, same predicament. Now I have been gone for an hour, any thought of burritos and remote controls fled thirty minutes ago. Finally, I found a pump for 50 cents, somewhere still on Broadway, east of my house. Closer than I was from the further point, but having gone in an enormous circle to get there. The pump and I didn’t get along. The gauge was broken and it took me 10 PSI to figure it out that I was overinflating the tire. What happens when someone doesn’t have their own gauge and they think they are still at 12 PSI just before the tire explodes? But at the conclusion of my adventure, the tire had been properly inflated, gassed, and I was not gassed because I never got my burrito.
I was so annoyed, I forgot about doubling back to Qdoba and I drove straight home. I made it on to Atherton a block from my street going the wrong direction. Atherton and all the streets around here are one way. Yeah…not a good start to my long (island) weekend.
Just as icing on the cake, television on Thursday night sucks. I still have to pack.
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