The Boston Behavior Primer, or Boston Is Not Actually the Rudest City in America

Oct 15

JeremySociety and Culture, Travel , , , , , 1 Comment

Yet again today, I read a comment online today about how Boston is the rudest city in the country, implying that visitors (or even residents) should not expect courtesy here. Sadly, I hear this all too often and, even sadder, it’s born of misperception rather than truth. The people of Boston and the surrounding communities, the ones who were raised here and whose families have lived here for years, are not fundamentally rude. They are, however, culturally different from their counterparts in other cities. Once you understand the fundamentals of how the people of the Northeast operate, you will see them in a new light and understand how to interact with them. Keep in mind that Boston was founded by Puritans and 350 years later that still affects the way we act and what we consider to be proper manners.  To help get you through, here are a few rules of the road:

Rule #1: Don’t look anyone in the eye. Okay, you can look some people in the eye, but only people you know well and only in a clearly social or private business situation. In a public setting, making eye contact is considered an invasion of privacy and, hence, very rude. The irony is that when someone passes you on the sidewalk and doesn’t look at you, they are trying to be polite by Boston instinct rather than being rude as is perceived.

Rule #2: If eye contact is bad, greeting people is worse. Bostonians don’t greet anyone they don’t know well, unlike other cities where friendly folk may say hello to everyone they meet. Basically, here are the rules. For people you don’t know at all, no eye contact, no nothin’. For people with whom you are vaguely acquainted, but necessarily remember their names or only met them once or twice, a brisk nod suffices as a proper greeting when passing. (Like the guy I went on a date with a couple years ago who shows up on the T once in a while.)

Rule #3: Ask for help if you need it. People won’t go out of their way to offer your assistance. Yep, it’s that privacy thing again. It’s rude to get involved in the troubles or difficulties of others unless requested. Clearly, imminent threat to life and limb is an exception to this rule, but it is otherwise true. The problems of other people should be kept private. Of course, that doesn’t mean that behind closed doors, problems can’t be discussed. We’re talking about public behavior here. Out of sight, you can talk to your friends about them and you can be damn sure that, if you’re in a small town, others are talking about your problems out of the public eye. But they are not going to offer help unless you ask for it.

Rule #4: Asking for help is a sign of social or moral weakness. You should be able to handle anything life throws at you, in true Puritan fashion. Life is hard, full of trials, and that’s just the way it’s supposed to be. It is simply unseemly to need help. Again, imminent harm is the exception. This seems to be in direct contravention of Rule #3, but there you have it. Corollary to both of these rules is “if you’re going to ask for help, you’d better damn well need it.” Don’t show weakness; people don’t want to see it in public. Just suck it up and figure it out.

Rule #5: Above all, practicality. At heart, Bostonians are ridiculously practical people. They don’t walk with their heads in the clouds. Unfortunately, this dour attitude often comes across as cynicism or pessimism. In reality, it’s more like prepare for the worst and don’t dare hope for the best. That way, you can be pleasantly surprised when something comes out right.  So when someone puts down your idea, don’t take it personally.  It’s just that pesky realism.

Rule #6:  Get a Nav System and Don’t Trust Directions. Yeah, this is unrelated to any of the above, but it’s an important one, unless you grew up here.  The directions you get from any true resident of the Northeast will NOT get you where you’re going.  The landmarks they will give you are ones that existed years ago, not those that exist now.  And the names of roads (yes, even the ones with numbers) might just be different.  (“Old Rt. 1″ isn’t just a cute term…)  We’re not trying to be jerks and get you lost on purpose.  It’s just the way we give directions here.

Remember these six rules because they will make your life easier if you’re new here, but take them with a grain of salt, too. There will always be people who suck, no matter where you are. There are also people who move to Boston, get told that everyone is rude, and then proceed to act rudely believing that they have been given license to. They are the exceptions rather than the rule. If you adopt the Boston point of view, you’ll see the behaviors very differently.  Politeness is in the eye of the beholder.