Mar 30
AndrewHumor, Life in Digital Branding, Fame, satire
Dying for fame? Dreaming of riches? Want to be among the social elite? That is so last century. This century it’s all about branding. Your brand name is your fame, it’s your privacy policy, your public profile, your media spin. Most of us have nothing to offer but ourselves. You think you’re special, and damnit, it’s about time you start proving it to the world. Start selling yourself today and make your mark tomorrow. And remember, you only have yourself to brand! Get started with…
Step 1: You ain’t got a name, you ain’t got a life
Name is everything in branding. It becomes the way people recognize you, something that distinguishes you from the rest. You can use your real name, a variation of your real name or make some shit up, but if it’s not memorable, you’re already dead in the water.
The savviest individuals sass up their name with just enough vroom to catch people’s attention. So throw away Miss Sally and call yourself Miss Salle! Your brand name should roll off the tongue and stick in their throats. It should blaze on paper and sound like the coming of the new dawn through the microphone.
Step 2: Become an e-medium
Remember, you’re selling yourself, not some product, not a book you wrote or a t-shirt you designed. You are selling you. And these days, you’re nothing without your network. Spread the word through every conceivable form of electronic medium known to man. Never heard of twitter? You’re six months behind. Not on facebook? That was two years ago. MySpace? Four. Haven’t bought your own website? Ten years ago, the best were already putting their stamp on the internet with their brand.
Go now and buy the damn website with your brand name on it. Already taken? Buy a different. Make it short, clever and spell it right. Don’t know what to put on it? Leave it blank then, but do not, whatever you do, leave it out there for someone else to snatch up.
Step 3: Do it Stupid
People win over fans by making themselves out to be total asses. Your brand name succeeds when you’re the biggest ass on the planet. Don’t be a wuss. Your brand is driven by your ability to do something totally bullshit and then film it and put it on YouTube. That’s how people know that for that one precious moment, you were the king of total assholes. They won’t even remember what you did, only that you were the mofo that did it.
And get on it because people are doing stupider and stupider shit all the time. Pretty soon we’re gonna run out of stupid shit to do and then you’ll be stuck a nobody. Is that what you want!
Step 4: Beat It
Branding helps you carry the momentum of your accomplishment into the future. It’s the hook that keeps people back for more. Everyone is forgotten. All your accomplishments are for nothing 15 minutes later. But damnit, your brand can live on forever. Put it all over the web, spread it through the hot fingers of your friends and people you’ve never met who will obsess about you. Take pictures.
Remember, they aren’t forwarding just a YouTube clip, they are sending your brand all over the internet, spreading it like butter on bread. And the way to keep it up is to beat it into the ground. Twitter yourself into a frenzy, tag yourself in photos on facebook. Make a blog, start a photo album, add another video clip. Do whatever it takes to feed more of yourself into the world wide web until we are stuffed so full all we shit out is you.
You can’t ever let up! You can do it. The minute you stop, the minute you rest on your reputation, the minute you take a breather, you risk ruin unless your brand can carry you through to the next triumph. Only through the power of branding can you sell forever the one commodity that you actually have to offer the world…that commodity is you and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
Dec 23
AndrewHumor Retail, satire, Shopping
Just as the economy is tanking and the sales outlook predicted by the International Council of Shopping Centers is the lowest in forty years, the federal government is ready to declare the day after Christmas a new national holiday: Buyer’s Remorse Day.
The holiday, according to Bush representatives, will be enacted as part of the so-called midnight laws, last minute regulations by the outgoing administration that have the force of law. The purpose of Buyer’s Remorse Day is to empower consumers and get them back into the stores. The administration is hoping that by making it a national holiday, employees will be given the day off and go spend their free time in retail shops across the country. Ultimately, the hope is that the increase in customer traffic will have a positive boost on retail stores’ bottom line and improve consumer confidence.
Typically, the day after Christmas is a big day for retailers to see returns and exchanges of Christmas gifts gone awry. In past years, retailers set tight caps on returns in order to prevent people from exchanging items well past the Christmas season. This season, with sales down and customers haggling more than ever for the best price on already discounted goods, the return policy is becoming softer and more flexible than ever before. Major retailers, from Circuit City Inc. to J. Crew, are extending Christmas returns to the end of January, and matching prices on items customers bought back before Thanksgiving.
The new trend is largely the result of a massive depression in sales, forcing retailers to bow to consumer demands for more lenient return policies and matching other stores’ sale prices. The federal government hopes to capitalize on the new economy and turn the day after Christmas returns into a positive for consumers and retailers alike.
Aug 01
JeremyHumor, Life in Digital iPhone, marriage, satire
Earlier this month, SmartReMarxcom reported that marriage between human and iPhone had become legal in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. As this ruling by the Supreme Judicial Court went into effect, its scope was immediately limited to Massachusetts residents when the administration invoked a little-known 1913 law. The law prohibited the state from providing marriage licenses to out-of-state couples who could not legally wed in their home jurisdiction. While originally intended as a barrier to interracial marriage, the law had descended into obscurity until it was resurrected in recent years, first to limit gay marriage and then iPhone marriage. The state acted this week to repeal that law effective immediately, allowing out-of-state couples to get married in Massachusetts even if their marriage will not be legal or will be of questionable legality in their place of residence.
What remains unknown is the extent of discrimination that such marriages will face when they return to their home states, both legal and social. Currently, no other state allows its residents the right to form unions with their iPhones or, indeed, any other indispensable electronic device. It is unclear whether other states will honor such marriages performed in Massachusetts or if they will invoke the federal Defense of Marriage Act of 1996, intended to prevent states from being forced to recognize marriages other than those between a man and woman. Some experts have suggested that the state of New York is likely to recognize such marriages even if they are not permitted within the state itself, while California is expected to follow suit.
Whether iPhone marriages will be accepted socially presents an even murkier issue. SmartReMarxcom spoke with a woman this morning who was applying for a marriage license with her iPhone at Boston City Hall. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she told our reporter that she had come to Massachusetts under the guise of attending a professional conference and spoke of her fears that her family and friends in Alabama would react badly when she and her new husband return home. “My daddy gets real upset if I even mention how much we love each other. He threatened to run my iPhone over with the car if we didn’t break things off! Mama just shook her head and commented that at least it wasn’t a Blackberry.” When asked if she would fight for legal recognition in her own state, the young woman’s eyes filled with tears and she told us that the couple had not yet decided. “Our love is real and if we can’t be joined at home, we can at least be wed here in Boston.”
The Massachusetts Family Protection Center is trying to organize boycotts of both Apple Inc. and AT&T Wireless, the maker of the iPhone and the network which distributes it, respectively. Protesters outside the Apple Store at the Natick Collection bear signs with slogans such as “Electronic Love is Unnatural” and “God Hates Technophiles.” Mall security is in evidence, but so far, things have remained fairly calm. An Apple spokesperson said that the protest has had little effect on sales.
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